every night i would plop myself down on this moldy, old, green chair and think of something interesting to write about. sometimes it would be personal and at other times it would be political. but it would always reflect something about me. lately i’ve been straining and racking my brain to pull something from within myself to write about. like consistently pulling the proverbial rabbit out of a hat, it only works if you’ve got that special magic.

it’s hard to define myself, as it is hard to define anyone else for that matter. i think about what makes me me and i come up with all sorts of attributes and particulars, sometimes contrary and sometimes appropriate. it seems nowadays somewhat juvenile to soul-search. immature, even. naïve — maybe. but it’s healthy to not only question the people around you but to also find some meaning in what you do as an individual. instead of carrying out your days doing mindless tasks and taking classes at school that don’t even interest you, think really hard about what you’re hoping to achieve from these deeds. don’t go to university just because of the prestige it is said to grant. don’t try to make a hundred friends just because betty snobhead said it’s the cool thing to do. if you want to be a loner or you want to take a year off school because it simply makes you feel better, i say do it. several miserable years of docile tradition-following in the long run makes for a very undefined, uninteresting, unamused person. and it takes another several years of finally doing what you truly desire to change that.

i know i must sound like i’m talking out of my ass and the elders must be thinking, “what the hell does this little girl know about life?” truthfully, i don’t know anything about it — not fully, at least. i’m not trying to sound like a philosophical guru. that is why i’d like the chance to be introduced to life’s more fulfilling side and to actually savour it, not to be cooped up in a sweaty lecture room with 200-something nameless students who also want nothing more than to be having the time of their lives while they’re still young enough to have it.

i wish i could tell my parents that. and i wish even more that they may one day listen and agree. but that day is far from ever coming and i fear that it never will. so all of my aspirations and themes about living life to its utmost potential will just have to be put on hold as of now, which more or less goes against everything i’ve said in this post. funny how everything turns out like that.