i’ve made a lot of plans in my life. i’ve made plans about boyfriends, friends, schedules, and events. most of them transpire. however, the ones that don’t are the more significant plans. quite recently i’ve attempted to plan my departure from little vancouver into the bigger great britain. in my mind it appears that all things are a-go. but in that aching cavity of my chest that the poets refer to as “heart”, i feel the most excruciating disappointment — not for something that has happened but for something that i ultimately foresee not happening.

my plans to pursue a life of my own independent accord may seem to have all ends tied, but in the actuality which my heart predicts i can see it failing to manifest. it’s this horrible outcome that always seems to befall my plans.

i hope this one time things go through and all is right in my stupid little world. it’s silly to think that i can’t be the “master of my own destiny” or something equally lame, but i think that it’s true. not that i believe there is a divine force that sets our path; i just think that sometimes the type of people we are dictates how our own futures will turn out, call it what you will — fate, kismet, destiny, etc. the point is that whether or not our plans for our lives come to be, the answer is already encapsulated inside of us. the only thing that changes our perhaps doomed futures is if we change ourselves, and not our plans.

i just re-read what i wrote and i can honestly say that i’ve turned into one hell of a motivational speaker.