being the subject of comparison is probably the third worst thing in the world — right behind terrorism and beastiality. i discovered today, to my utter chagrin, that my ex-boyfriend had compared my “skills” as a partner to his girlfriend prior to me. this made me feel pretty embarrassed, not only because the person who told me should have never even heard this intimate information, but also because i had given so much of myself to that ex-boyfriend and he felt he could just “rate” me like a piece of riffraff.

sometimes i feel as though people treat their significant other as a commodity, reducing the relationship to a mere item of life that can be compared, graded, and eventually forgotten. i think a major part of my humiliation was that my “skills” weren’t quite up to par to that of the other girl, that i was so easily disposed of even though i had given so much of myself to that person. it’s times like these i feel unwanted and undesirable; as a hot-blooded woman, i feel the utmost rejection. it almost makes me want to never open myself up to a man who will inevitably cast me aside like the dertitus of a one-night stand that lasted five months.

my friend has gotten a lot of this depressing discussion from me lately. and all he can say back is: “dude, i say just get a fling!” the thought has crossed my mind many a time. perhaps i should expel these girlish notions of romance from my mind and pursue a relationship that has no rules or standards that either partner has to meet. but then i’d feel cheap and used. but then so would the other person. i guess that creates enough of a justified equilibrium for me.

now where do i find a white skater who’s interested in a little chinese chick with a big chip on her shoulder? hmm.