my cousin had her eighteenth birthday today, which in filipino translates to “throw a huge party and invite a shitload of people”. it was a pretty fun night. i haven’t spent that much time with my aunts, uncles, and cousins lately. i find it strange how i used to be so close with my cousins — we’re all around the same age group — only a few years ago, and at the start of the party tonight i had to force myself to make simple casual banter.

we performed the rose and candle ceremony: the guys held roses and the girls held candles for the new “woman” and each person said something about her or her coming of age. on my turn, i said something along the lines of “well, i’ve known you since you were a wee one and i’ve watched you transform into an independent, responsible young woman. all i can wish you know is a pleasant graduation and a wonderful future.” as you can see, i’m not too good with pouring on the sap spontaneously.

nearing the end of the night, the teenagers found themselves in the birthday girl’s room. we watched an old home video from 1993 of my cousins, sisters, and i saying the “darndest things” and making rather obscene gestures. i also noticed that my eyes haven’t grown since then.

at one point in the video, my uncle (the birthday girl’s father) appeared on the screen. he was praticing his golf swing in front of the camera and waving hi to everyone back in canada. he was telling my dad that he would come back from the philippines soon and they would find some clubs where “nude women dance one inch away from you!” he also told my dad he would teach him how to play golf and would eventually get him addicted. sadly, that uncle of mine who i loved so much died a year after that was filmed.

i wondered what my cousin was thinking. she watched her late father laughing on tape and only being able to join her on her eighteenth birthday through an aging video. she told us to fast-forward most of the parts where he’d speak or appear on the television. i really wish he were still here. i remembered the time he gave my older sister a bowl-cut. (it was literally a bowl-cut. he stuck a bowl on her head and cut around the edges.) sometimes i still hear his distinctive laughter and picture his odd peculiarities. i would give anything to hear his voice once more.

it’s times like these i wish i were closer to my family, cousins et al. i wonder how we ever managed to drift so far apart when in those videos i see us running around together and having the best of times. i miss those days we had back then and, even more, i miss those i will never see again, no matter how hard i attempt to salvage their memory. i want more than just old video tapes. i want to feel happy and safe again.