pride is a strange concept. on one hand, it’s good to want to maintain personal and individual balance, but on the other it’s selfish and somewhat condescending. here i am, stopping myself from doing and saying certain things because i’m afraid of how it will affect the perception of me, to not only myself but other people (some of whom i care little for).

pride can be mistaken for self-consciousness or an attribute equally petty. but the way i see it, pride can be an advantage as well. pride can help one establish boundaries to their actions and to whom they choose to affect their lives. maintaining confidence in yourself sometimes means discarding people who have wronged you in the past and who, if once again in your vicinity, will ultimately chip away at your self-esteem.

i wonder at times why i put so much thought into my actions. and then i realize that innate inhibitions are there for a reason. with them, you can make choices that will benefit you and keep you sane. other times, when you decide to disregard those inhibitions, you end up feeling cheated and/or lost because you crossed those boundaries. this results in a deteriorated semblance of pride which functions at a lesser fluency.

my pride is the only shred of me that i can control. i may not be able to control the actions of people around me and the consequent reprecussions, but at least i can control what affects me and what is allowed into my life. my pride keeps me going. my pride makes me believe that there is more to me than just a walking doormat or social punching bag. if i keep believing that i’m worth something more than the shit i take, it’s just gotta be true.

oh god. this turned into a “pity me!” post, didn’t it? don’t mind me. it’s late and lack of sleep makes me question every trite factoid of my being.