i find that i can be pretty two-faced at times. not in the mean and spiteful way, though. “two-faced” as in i can present some really pessimistic views when it comes to talking about life, love, the future, etc., but i always have some positive advice for those who come to me seeking solace. in fact, i’m really good at being optimistic when it comes to anyone but me. i think it has to do with my urgent need to “hope for the best, prepare for the worst” — a proverb which my father ground into my brain at a very early age.

i don’t know how much longer i can be like this, thinking that my life is in shambles all the time and then plaster on a rather authentic smile when others tell me about their life which, coincidentally, is also in shambles. i don’t know how long i can feign pessimism and optimism without my head imploding in a tumult of contradicting emotions.

and when am i being completely genuine? is it when i’m complaining about my less than perfect existence, or is it when i’m telling people that every cloud has its silver lining? i have yet to determine which side will win me over in the end. but i have a feeling i’m ready to cross over to the dark side.