i noticed something strange about myself today. i’m not sure anyone really wants to hear it, but i can assure you it is strange.

i noticed, while in the car with both my mother and father today, that i really, truly, and utterly cannot stand burps or farts that aren’t my own. no, that’s not the strange part. so today, while i was sitting in the backseat of the car with my parents, my dad decides in complete spontaneity to release a gaseous burp. it was loud, it had bass, it was disgusting. so i open a window. now, before i can completely get over the thought of this pungent odour in my breathing air, i have to visualize in my head that the gas is quickly being vacuumed out of the window. i have to actually picture in my head that the stank-ass coffee breath, which was undoubtedly still plaguing my dad’s mouth even in the evening, is exiting my general vicinity and floating around elsewhere; i cannot breath normally until i am convinced that it is so. same goes for the gas that is expelled a little south of the mouth.

i’ve been doing this for a while now, at least for the last five years if i can actually remember far back enough. i’ll hold my breath long enough until i can envision the gas somewhere that is not around me. see, i told you it was strange.