every christmas my family hosts a massive shindig at our house. we invite all of our friends and relatives and everyone just has a holly, jolly, good time. but ever since my father lost his old job a while back, we’ve pretty much lost the christmas spirit to delve into the massive money-spending that comes with said massive shindig. so we’ve passed the torch on to other relatives. it’s sad, too, because back in those days i’d actually look forward to christmas.

the last couple of years have resulted in a rapid decrease in any presents for me (so what if i note these things?) and a general decline in the quality of gifts that i am lucky enough to receive. who needs three kinds of foot scrub lotion? or gaudy sequin headbands from the eighties? any takers? i know i should be grateful for what i do get and all of that holiday propaganda, but it would just be nice to finally receive something once in a while that i truly enjoy from someone other than myself.

if i could, i would be spending exuberant amounts of money on my family and friends, because i just love seeing their cheery faces when they open the carefully chosen gifts from myself. but the job i’m working doesn’t allow for exuberant monetary expenditure, as most of my cash-flow only finds its way to the ubc tuition department. (ain’t university a bitch?) i still try to find the perfect things for my family and loved ones, though. even if it means burning a hole in my bank card.

i’m just getting tired of having to worry so much about money. not only with myself but also with my family. it’s strange when you hear about your friends getting truckloads from their parents for the holidays and i’m still stuck with last year’s i.o.u.’s from my own. not that i’m complaining… well, ok, i am. just a smidgen. can you blame me? i don’t think my parents have bought me anything that wasn’t fast food since i started working — and that was when i was sixteen. even so, i can’t discuss what i’m going to eat for lunch without my father saying, “get whatever you want; you’re paying for your own food.”

gifts, to me, represent being worthy enough for someone to consider what you would actually like. that’s why during this time of year i try my hardest to find the perfect things for my parents and my sisters. it’s not even so much the money behind it; it’s the effort presented in finding something that person will truly enjoy. but with my struggle to please people over the years of holidays and festivities, i’ve had the misfortune of coming across a few pseudo-friends who have contributed to the damper that is my scrooge-ry. these people never cared about me and, although i cared about them, never put any thought into anyone other than themselves. this resulted in a few notable fallouts during the last couple of christmas seasons. i suppose during a time reserved for pleasing others, the true colours of these selfish fairweather friends really show.

the holidays have really become a time of drudgery and disappointment for me. i don’t get those warm feelings of peace and joy and hope anymore. and don’t tell me to think about the poor children in ethiopia with nothing to eat. the world is my stinky, rotten oyster. bah humbug.