i went to kits pub last night with some friends with whom i went to high school (some i’ve known since my elementary days, too). it was fun, for the most part, as we were there to celebrate my friend’s twentieth birthday. even apart from being asked for a “real” piece of identification (even though i’m almost two frickin’ years over the age of majority), i still felt like an awkward outsider from the masses a-hipping and a-hopping deep within the club.

it felt strange to see some familiar faces inside, people i was so close with years ago now people i meet with cliché conversation starters. the only time during the night i felt at ease with them was when i was thoroughly shit-faced. and if it takes massive alcohol intake to open the longtime bolted doors of camaradarie, it’s not necessarily a healthy thing.

nearing the end of high school, i was essentially a self-branded outsider. i hung out with mainly one person from my school and mostly people from other vancouver schools. a fallout with a couple of friends led me to a sort of melodramatic episode where i completely isolated myself from everyone with whom i had ever been friends. this was a mistake on my part, as i really do miss talking to a few people i saw again last night — the first time in two years. most of these people have maintained friendships with one another even after graduation, something i neglected to do as a result of my melancholy solitude and reluctance.

i cringe at the thought of a ten-year high school reunion. i don’t think i’ll show up. i’d hate to just stand there, smiling fakely at people i remember stabbing me in the back and vice versa. high school seemed, to me at least, a microcosm of everything i hate in society — all of the superficiality, materialism, and social anguish concentrated into a constrictive sphere of teenage drama. the sad thing is that about 85% my memory bank is composed of high school events and facts. i wish i remembered more stuff from my earlier years of childhood, such as when i first learned how to speak and how to walk. i wish i remembered things that shaped me in a positive and constructive way, rather than primarily looking back on things that chipped away at my self-esteem and dulled my excitement for novelty.

i was never really respected in high school; i was immemorable and faceless. i think one of my skills that ultimately leaves me feeling pathetic is my ability to remember every single aspect of those years: all of the events, all of the tragedies, all of the faces. and no one will remember my ever being a part of it.