throughout all of my life, i’ve defined myself in relation to other people. this is especially true in academics. if everyone else is getting As in a certain course, i see no reason why i cannot achieve the same. the problem is that not everyone can actually achieve the same goal, no matter how hard they try. your parents and corny commercials on television may try to tell you that “you can succeed at anything you put your mind to,” but the truth is that you will always suck at something and, oftentimes, many things. so, back to academics… if i didn’t get that A, i would consider myself a failure; anything under that A rendered me worthless.

the same thing applies to employment. if my friend has a pretty good job, i sort of think, “hey, maybe i should get the job, too.” and when i finally achieve that goal, i think to myself, “ok, i’m settled. i’ve got the job and i’m better off than a lot of people.” but then, after that, i see other people moving on from their pretty good jobs, striving towards real careers. again, i look at where i’m situated in life and think, “hmm, maybe i should think of striving towards a career, too.”

a few of my friends are thinking of going into law, as well. many of them have commenced their rigorous studying for the LSAT, shelling out thousands of dollars for prep courses and textbooks — thousands of dollars i don’t have. this is where i find myself today, unable to meet other people’s standards, longing for the motivation that they all seem to possess to achieve the goals that they set out for themselves.

i can’t even start thinking of taking a year off school just to clear my head, because that’s not what the people around me are doing. they are studying, planning, doing something. and i know that if i’m not right there with them, doing whatever they’re doing, i will feel like a complete failure.