watching my felicity: season four dvd has got me thinking about my own senior year, about how i’m lacking direction, motivation, and confirmation of my skills or aptitude in certain fields. sometimes i think that my four years at university have been a “waste of time” and that i’m “floundering.”

while the rest of my friends seem to be finding their niche in various professions, i’m beginning to feel that the anchor that once held me in place is slowly breaking loose. simply being in school kept me tethered to a specific state of mind, gave me direction and a goal that i aimed to achieve — graduation. and with that goal inching closer and closer, i’m starting to lose control, or maybe i never had it in the first place.

the law thing didn’t work out, but i’m not sure i even really wanted it to. can i picture myself in school for several more years? moving away seems like the new goal at hand, but even that one appears far-fetched and fantastical, as my current financial situation definitely does not allow for it. i still haven’t even gotten my grad pictures done. does that mean anything? am i trying to hold on to something that is already done with me? nothing feels as it used to and i’m not doing a very good job coping with the loss.

there are so many things that i would like to achieve, but i just can’t. and i don’t mean that as a depressed, pessimistic sort of “can’t” — i mean i just truly, physically, mentally, financially cannot. there will always be people who are faster, stronger, smarter, prettier, wealthier. where do i fit into the food chain? i’m frickin’ plankton. writing these final papers, looking at these final notes, highlighting these final texts, worrying over these final exams… everything seems to have been in preparation for a sheet of paper that means jack shit in the long run.

i don’t know who i am. well, that’s not completely true. i mean, i know who i’m not: i’m not the little girl who dreamed about helping animals, saving people’s lives, fighting for human rights, going into space, or having a family and settling down. i never wanted to be any of those people. but right now it seems like it would have been a good idea to have just picked something and learned to want it back then, because maybe i wouldn’t feel this useless right now.