I am so completely tired of this entire process. I’m carpet-bombing the hell out of these law firms, sending my cover letters, resumes, transcripts, and reference letters, only to have them become fodder for the dull blades of the shredder. An example of this disheartening state of affairs is when you mail your application—teeming with genuine interest, relevant experience, and peer recommendation—and a cold email comes back to you early the next morning more or less telling you that your application was shit, love. All because your average was too… well, average.

The whole enterprise seems fruitless. I’m wasting over $40 in stamps when I could be using that money to drown my sorrows in alcohol named after some old, white European dude who isn’t in a position to stamp REJECTED all over my eager, puppy-dog-eyed face. Why are the Career Services peeps at my school telling me, “You should always apply, even if you have average marks! JUST APPLY!” What this does is perpetuate false hope, sort of like when doctors tell AIDS patients that people are working on a cure and there’s a chance they can make it. (I’m not actually sure if that’s what doctors tell AIDS patients. I wouldn’t know—I always bring a condom and put little squares of toilet paper on the seat before I take a shit.) Just tell me: “Your grades don’t meet the cut-off mark for many firms. Don’t waste your time. Instead, concentrate on your second-year studies and don’t fall behind by writing application after application.” INFORMATION THAT COULD HAVE BEEN BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION YESTERDAY!!! Even the fucking Wedding Singer would have had the decency to tell me that, instead of making me stand at the altar all dressed up in my expensive tuxedo, waiting for my blushing bride to walk down the aisle. Just tell me she slept with my hotter, smarter best man and I wouldn’t have bothered showing up and looking the fool. I could be getting drunk at the open bar right now.

The most annoying part about getting rejected from summer jobs is hearing people who had the grades to secure an interview complain about not liking the firm’s practice areas, the time these interviews are going to take up, or (my favourite) the small size of the law firm. WHO THE FUCK CARES? Like most starving, average-grade-having law students, I’m not above nourishing my self-worth with the half-masticated scraps that fall from the table of the Old Boys’ Club. Who the fuck are you to stick your nose in the air, so as not to catch a whiff of the culture of desperation that you created with your damn top-10th-percentile ass?

Ok, so I’m now just passing blame. But that’s what good lawyers do.