I pissed off a partner today and he chastised me over the phone. He goddamn chastised me. I’ve never been scolded about my work before. I tried to remain calm as I offered my explanation of what had happened, how some wires appeared to have been crossed somewhere so that, when everything got to this partner, he felt he had been put in a vulnerable position. But no explanation was to be had—I was in the wrong apparently, and that was that.
It seems I am beginning to hate my job more and more everyday. Shit totally rolls downhill at law firms and I am currently caked in turd. Like when I think I’ve done everything I possibly can do to cover my ass—my “due diligence,” to borrow some legalese—and then I get called out on something that was completely not my fault, but rather the partner’s own misunderstanding of the situation. And I can’t say anything but apologize for something that I feel I have already addressed with the partner, who seems to have forgotten or at least misapprehended my words. Any legitimate defence I have gets shot down as an ineffectual excuse.
What angers me the most about this profession is how much I actually enjoy the substantive work I do and how much hierarchical, sycophantic crap I have to perform just so I can keep doing that work. Maybe it’s not the profession, maybe it’s this particular firm. Or maybe I’ll feel like this wherever I end up going when I don’t get hired back at this firm, which I predict is likely to happen at this point. I want to practice law, but I don’t want to do it at the risk of losing my backbone. And that’s what I feel is happening right now. Or it could be just the byproduct of finally pursuing a real, competitive career—and I thought law school was bad.
The plan is if I don’t get hired back at this firm, I am going to use that as an opportunity to look for work abroad. I’ve been considering Hong Kong. I know my pride will be severely wounded, considering how much time and effort I’ve given to this firm in the last seven months, but it won’t feel as bad if I use that rejection as a diving board into something new and exciting.